10 More Things I’ve Learned About Having a Baby – Toddler Edition

Today is my daughter’s second birthday, and to celebrate the birth—and life—of my little butterball babe, here are ten more things I’ve learned since we’ve both graduated to toddlerville. Population: Us. Hometown Motto: Slightly Terrifying

(BTW, consider me mom of the year, as I’m on a plane to Mexico right now, sans child, solo trip, suckas. Happy day to me!)

And happy birthday, my beautiful little wild one.



10 More Things Learned About Having a Baby

1. That size-of-a-dime belly button you had back in the day. It’s still a quarter.

2. I never squashed bugs in my bare hands until I had a kid, so I guess that says it all about my mothering skills.

3. You don’t magically morph into some magic mom of the year. Save a few, I don’t really like people. The minute I cranked out a kid, people were all JOIN GROUPS, JOIN ALL THE GROUPS, DO MOM STUFF, VISIT THE TARGET. But you know what, that’s not me. I’m a hermit. I still wait in the car in the daycare parking lot to avoid making unnecessary conversation with rando moms. I know, I KNOW, but this is me. I am an introvert who is counting on my sociable better half to pawn off on my daughter the successful life skills to interact with society.

car hid

4. Two years later…your cat will still not like your toddler.

5. It literally takes about a year to feel like yourself again. It takes about two years to get back into your old groove. The day I was able to update my iTunes in entirety felt like some sort of gold-medal moment. I got some important things back. More time for baths. A 10:30pm bedtime now because I am now all kinds of riotous.

6. Your child coloring outside of the lines or pouring flour in the wrong bowl will seriously trigger your OCD reflex and you must refrain from correcting them for fear of making them even more anal than you are.

7. You should be the size you want to be. I read a lot of mom blogs where the women happily espouse loving their post-prego body. Dude, YAY. I truly mean this. No ill will. But I didn’t love mine. Shit yeah, I appreciated it, and I still dig the tiny stomach pooch I have. But I didn’t find a lot of stories where women reclaim their old pre-baby body and I felt bad for being all “meh” about mine. I think if you have the time, energy and the need, it is not shameful. You should not be expected to settle for your post-prego baby body. Whatever makes you feel good, yeah, you do that. Keep it or change it because you can. I wish I could have been happy with twenty extra pounds. But I wasn’t. So I worked that shit out. I just pee myself now when I have to do jumping jacks.

8. Anything you eat is theirs. Seriously, don’t even bother with separate plates. Purchase a trough and a mouth shovel and just go to town.

9. Unlike women or forensics, the movies actually get toddler-dom right. You know those scenes where the kids pitch a fit because you cut the sandwich into squares instead of triangles or where in Lilo and Stitch Lilo wants to pay for Stitch, yells at her sister for handing over the money, and then takes her sister’s money to pay for him? Yeah…my kid does that. It’s real. Tossing tantrums for useless shit. #lifegoals


10. Cartoons are your friends. Pre-kid we used to scoff at parents who let their kids watch cartoons while out to eat. All the LOLs. Now we recognize the desperation on the faces of glassy-eyed parents who just need to keep that child quiet so they can eat in peace, hold a conversation, be alone with their thoughts for just thirty goddamn minutes. OMGWEARESOSORRYFORJUDGINGYOU.

And now, I leave you with these self-indulgent birthday photos. The amazing Jennifer at Griffith Imaging can shoot us anytime.

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  • Reply

    Michael Gillan Maxwell

    May 4, 2017 at 4:19 pm

    Funny Jules! Gorgeous kid!

  • Reply


    May 4, 2017 at 5:51 pm

    Man, #6. She loves “cooking” with me, but I really just let her whisk the flour when we’re baking and she gets it everywhere and I try not to freak out about it, but man, I gotta clean that stuff up afterwards. I do really like kids coloring books, though. You just color and you don’t care.

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