14 Things About Having a Baby – That No One Tells You. So Let Me.

I don’t know who just up and gave me a baby. BUT now that I’m approaching a year (a-whole-entire-year, GUYS) of being a mama and having a wee one around, I’ve come to some life lessons and realizations about the miracle of life.

And being the sharer that I am (and to celebrate one year of baby survival), I wanted to pass on some randomly specific, but possibly some very helpful things that people should tell you about instead of those token gems of parenting wisdom like, “you’ll never sleep again” or “this too shall pass.”

Thanks, but those aren’t helping me when I’m elbow deep in baby shit.

{Disclaimer: Gentlemen who still think us ladies don’t poop, and those who get squeamish at the word ‘vagina’ I suggest you steer clear of this blog post. The rest of you fearless fucks can read on.}

 

Prego

1. You will never experience sheer tiredness (first trimester) or ravenous hunger (second trimester) like this again.

2. You get strange pregnancy symptoms like carpal tunnel, bloody gums, a runny nose and skin tags. Ugh, gross. Go home body, you’re drunk.

3. BUT your skin will be flawless (because no booze) and your boobs will look amazing.

4. Being in labor (without drugs) feels very much like being stoned. Except you can’t stuff your face with Cheetos and you end up with a baby at the end of it.

   

Post-Prego

5. You will piss yourself if you laugh, sneeze or pretty much just make any sort of movement.

6. Your body odor changes (I swear!). And if you’re wondering, yes, I did (and do) shower.

7. Farts will literally come out of your vagina. Don’t ask how or why, they just do.

8. You will cry the first time you attempt to resume sexual relations (I SCARED).

9. If you choose to do it, breastfeeding is hard. But when people tell you to just make it to six weeks, THEY ARE WISE WIZARDS AND ARE RIGHT. After that, you can survive anything.

How you will eat your meals.

How you will eat your meals.

 

Almost One Year+

10. You’ll straight up feel your boobs in public to check if you need to pump.

11. The linea nigra is still chillin’ on your stomach. At first I was like “go, get, shoo!” but now I’m kinda happy to have a faint remnant of it.

12. Seeing or reading or hearing anything devastating about babies or children will leave you a sobbing mess. Reclaiming my cold, dead heart has never been this hard.

13. Your belly button is still as big as it was during pregnancy. And yes, your baby will mistake it for a nipple.

14. When you have pockets of free time you’ll find yourself looking at old photos of your baby on your phone before stopping to think “what the fuck woman? you have 20 whole minutes of freedom and THIS is how you spend it?”

 

Yeah, it's pretty awesome.

Yes. Spend it well.

1 Comment
  • Reply

    Chrissy

    May 3, 2016 at 9:44 pm

    Great post, thanks for being so honest! So…is it a bad thing that I am NOT preggers, but #1 is me ALL. THE. TIME. Hmmmm…..

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