On Being A Natural Born Quitter (Plus, One Time a Winner)

I’ve given up on a few things in my life. Hell, who hasn’t. Quitters live longer, is what I always say. I tend not to dwell on my uh, inadequacies, but lately I’ve been thinking about what I’ve dropped hobby/habit-wise versus what I’ve kept…and what I’ve succeeded at majorly makes up for not kegeling religiously.

Trying to Become Musically Inclined

Music, an addiction I gotta have. On a desert island I would be tormented without sweet, sweet tunes. I want to ingrain it into my veins and BE a song. I’m fascinated by the process and the people who can pick and warble and flail around the stage and get paid for it.

So every once in a while I get the inane notion that maybe, just maybe, a latent gift will rear its beautiful head when I pick up the right instrument. To this date I’ve had many loves…








Oh, goddamn it, Jules.


Trying to Hippie Up

One day I felt mighty and powerful and full of world-changery goodness after reading an article linking breast cancer to antiperspirant in deodorant and I thought, “Hey, why not switch it up?” and tra la la’d off to Sprouts to spend too much on a natural stick of aluminum-free pit stick.


jesus christ, no, tom

jesus christ, no, tom


Unfortunately, my sweat glands had other ideas in mind.

The relationship lasted about six months right around the time I was wrinkling my nose and wondering what smelled like dead goat rotting under the hellish sun. Man, I tried to San-Francisco-tough it-out. Lived in denial until finally I decided that hey, maybe I should go back to basics. Back to something stronger.


I now bathe in scotch

I now bathe in scotch


The lesson here is that deodorant with potentially deadly chemicals WORKS. Tom’s, If I could have used you, I would have. You made my underarms silky smooth.  But I couldn’t hold out and instead bought a deodorant stick full of delicious, delicious aluminum and lo and behold I now smell like fuzzy navel.


Trying to Snowboard (AKA: any physical sport)

Now this is more self preservation than “giving up” but if you want to get all nitpicky, OK fine. I snowboarded once back when I was 19. First time off the ski lift I twisted my knee and had to be carried down the mountain on some sort of EMT snowmobile. You do not know humiliation until you’re passed by five-year-olds conquering the black diamond runs and doing triple axels and other shit like that when you’re lying mortified in the back of snowmobile weeping that you never should have left your dorm room.


But there is one thing I haven’t given up on…

The only hobby I’ve ever really loved, wanted to work at, and work at hard, is writing.

I’m not the best and I’m never done practicing, but as of this moment at three o’clock in the afternoon when Pluto still isn’t considered a planet, and Miley Cyrus gets another tattoo, I am a writer. I have a 90,000 word novel in a second draft. My day profession is now a full-fledged copywriter. This is not to brag, it is because I am proud.  Working for a goal and then having it finally happen is a monstrous beast to grasp. It’s like whooaaa and blergh and herpdederp all at a WTF-once.

That other shit I gave up on is meaningless…but what I kept at isn’t. It’s learning how to laugh when you suck at something and frantically fist pumping when you find something you want to stick with.

Whether or not I actually publish a book, or anyone ever reads what I write (unless you’re a family member, then you’re just obligated so get ready), this is something I’m okay with. I finished my book. I wrote it because I loved it. And when I die, I will be proud to say, gnarled fingers clenched in victory, that I have had at least one passion in my life I have never given up on, unlike Magic Crystal Pepsi and bikini briefs.

You be proud too. Of whatever you have done that means something.

Maybe you had a baby, married the man of your dreams,  got that job at that library, managed to cut back to a pack a day, keep that sobriety chip or avoided calling Suzy in accounting a cocksucker, whatever you have successfully tried for and  accomplished, big or small, you should be happy and be proud and dance on graves.


I meant dance on tables. But graves…yeah, I’m sure someone somewhere would pay you to do that while they watch. And if that’s not a proud moment I don’t know what is.

his name is Ron and he is a gem.

His name is Ron and he is a gem.

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  • Reply


    April 6, 2014 at 9:21 pm

    We put too much stock in doing the things we are only good at. If you like doing it, whether you’re ever “successful,” it shouldn’t matter. I ran (still do, but not like I once did) and never came close to winning a race. I suppose longboarding is the same. At 53, I just want to bomb down a Jupiter-sized hill someday with enough control that I’m not taunting death to take a swipe at me.

  • Reply

    Michael Gillan Maxwell

    April 6, 2014 at 9:28 pm

    LOL Jules! Godammit! This made me smile. Not to mention the sun is shining and the sky is blue for the first time in a geological epoch ~ but this just kicked it up a notch ~ like the essence of Emeril ~ BAM!

  • Reply


    April 7, 2014 at 4:29 am

    Love it!
    You are an inspiration to me always!

  • Reply

    Terry Neff

    April 8, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    I am so glad you stuck with writing, and traveling. I too tried snow boarding, snow skiing, a variety of musical instruments. I never felt like a quite either. I just knew instinctively somehow we all have a gift and we can’t do everything that looks so simple when done by others, that is their gift. Not sure what mine is yet but I’m still open to try anything. Never heard it put so well. You took a topic that is difficult for some, humiliating to others and explained quite well, made it seem simple,,,,, oh yeah, that’s your gift 😉

  • Reply

    Terry Neff

    April 8, 2014 at 6:37 pm

    That should have been quitter, not quite. Oh btw I’m in Key West for an undetermined amount of time. I learned a little travel tip from you. Guess what I listened to on my 15 hour trip ?

  • Reply


    May 9, 2014 at 6:17 am

    How did I miss this one!!! Love it for so many reasons:) I too cannot wear Tom’s.

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