You’ve Reached a Coon Hat Wearin, Childfree Zone
January 28, 2013
January 28, 2013
Now that I’ve reached my sexual prowess (AKA turned 30) it’s only natural that people ask me when I’m going to breed. And it’s only natural that I express my frustration in the best form that I know: words. This doesn’t go for my family or close friends. They know my belief system and I’m not shy about telling them if they ask.
This goes for acquaintances, strangers, and those hobos at the park who just goddamn won’t let me check the mail in peace.
If we’re first time meeters and you casually ask, “Do you have children?” I’ll relax my grip on your throat. I’ll allow this question. It’s an expected curiosity. However, if you ask, “When are you going to have children?” well get ready for a ripe retort. Because that’s what you get for being a complete doucher.
First, this question is insulting. Not only is it none of your business, but what if I can’t have children? What if I’m a hermaphrodite? What if I’m still waiting for a marriage proposal from Rob Lowe, you guys?
I don’t even get the courtesy, “Are you planning to have children?” question. It’s the straight assumption that it’s an inevitable fact, which really stings like those Indian burns you used to give your little sister.
Second, you make me the awkward one for struggling for a response. And more often than not, if I’m honest with strangers, “I don’t want children yet,” then I get the rebuttal, “Well, just wait for it. You will,” or some equally eye-roll-worthy coddling response that they probably deem is suitable for a Hallmark Card.
So I feel it’s only fair to reply with some sort of statement that will make you blink. For instance, I once had a 32 year-old male co-worker say, “When are you gonna pop out a kid?”
I had set my pen down and my bottle of ether and said, “I can’t have children. My insides are so rotted no life can live down there.”
After a slack-jawed gape, he promptly shut up and performed his sullen computer programming duties.
One night I decided to make a list of all the responses a childfree woman or man could give when barraged with this tiring question.
Here are just a few responses to The Question When Are You Having Children?
And in the heat of the writing-moment, I also broke down and made a video. I wore a coon cap because it’s my Superman cape, okay, you guys?
I hope you watch this with a thousand yard stare.
Enjoy the jump cuts, bitches.