Part I: Dublin, Ireland – A Brief Intro, Jesus Times, Sights & Signs

December 25, 2012 was kept very secularist, suckers. No garland, no presents, the only fat man I encountered was the one sitting next to me. And let me tell you, the only acceptable fat person is John Goodman.

Hey baby, turn that frown upside down.

Hey baby, turn that frown upside down.

But getting back to the blog at hand…

Christmas Day, I was on a plane. The husband was gnawing on a cheese platter in the seat next to me and there was some movie playing where Ashton Kutcher wears the same pair of pajamas in every damn scene.

Someone get the poor guy a wardrobe.

Someone get the poor guy a wardrobe.

In a spur of the moment decision, the husband and I decided to eschew the typical “family” Christmas plans and book a trip to Ireland. I am now a world traveler. I’ve never been overseas before and I now realize there are two phrases that should always be uttered on overseas vacations: Emilio Estevez and the perfect storm.

No relation between the two.

Or is there?

The bow tie is code for "the perfect storm".

The bow tie is code for “the perfect storm”.

Because this blog post will get out of control pretty damn quick, kinda like my bowels on a hot Saturday night, I’m going to break this down nice and easy into a three-part extravaganza. Just how your mom likes it.

The Sights

When I travel I must take in the sights. Museums. Scenery. Hobos in dumpsters. Stuff like that. Hotel be damned, I will not stay in it long. I will wake you from a good night’s sleep so we can ramble the town. I will slip you energy drinks. And I’ll especially jump on the bed if you try to nap.

The Gresham on O’Connell Street was our lodging and it was very nice with its pointed toilet paper tips and heated towel rack.

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Eff yes.

Eff yes.

A week before the trip I made a super-sweet itinerary and kept it carefully tucked away in my super-serious planner.

I shit you not. I carried this folder halfway across the world

I shit you not. I carried this folder halfway across the world

First thought scouring the city: Man, I love how old things are just lying around in Ireland.

Everything I saw was a lesson in giddiness. Shit’s old, people. Damn. I always knew that…but having never been overseas before and only traveling here in America one just experiences buildings/culture from the 1700s, so it really blows your freaking mind to see buildings from Jesus Times.

Here’s a brief recap of the sights we saw…

Kilmainham Gaol

One of the largest jails in Europe, used during the 1780s to the 1920s, this tour really helped us get a sense of Irish history. Sobering history and what gorgeous lines on this jail.

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any time there’s a glory hole I’m taking full advantage

any time there’s a glory hole I’m taking full advantage

The Guinness Storehouse

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The tour started off with me going up to an Irish guide.

Me: “Excuse me, I would like a map.”

Guide: “What language?”

Me: “In American, please.”

Guide: “You mean English?”

Me: “That is correct, sir.”

Firstly, this is why you do not take me overseas.

Secondly, GIVE ME MORE GUINNESS NOW.

Over here in the US, I never cared for Guinness. But in Ireland…oh baby. I drank that dark foamy beer more than my husband. Thick, creamy and just made for a scoop of ice cream, I’ll never get that true Irish taste out of my mind.

And my mouth.

And my mouth.

Plus, how can you NOT love a company where Rutger Hauer was a goddamn spokesman.

Dear god, run.

Dear god, run.

Thirdly, I guess what I’m saying is the Guinness Factory was delicious. Especially the 360 degree views at the Gravity Bar.

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Dublinia – the Viking Museum

The Vikings settled Dublin. Did you know that? Yeah, well, neither did I, until we took the tour of Dublinia. We started off with a tour of Viking family life, with my husband wolfishly uttering, “Oh, you’d have so many kids by now…”

Moving on.

It surprised me to learn that Dublinia means “Dark pool of water”, especially since that’s what I call it when I lose control of my bladder.

Basically, this museum was super cool and gave many ripe photo opportunities for me to wear my pouty-face. As evidenced below.

SHE DEAD.

SHE DEAD.

"MY TRAVEL ADVISOR TOLD ME THIS WAS LEGAL!!!"

“MY TRAVEL ADVISER TOLD ME THIS WAS LEGAL!!!”

"No, YOU'RE the man."

“No, YOU’RE the man.”

Churches

I am not a religious person. But I love touring old churches. The history, the beauty, the corpses buried beneath floorboards…

"Hey! Jon Swift! Sup, buddy?"

“Hey! Jon Swift! Sup, buddy?”

We stopped into two of the more famous ones – St. Patrick’s Cathedral and Christ Church Cathedral.

This is my how-I-look-when-enter-a-church face.

This is my how-I-look-when-enter-a-church face.

Words can’t really describe these.

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Just…beauty and epic, epic history. Thank god Henry VIII wasn’t the prick that he was and burned these to the ground. It really made me wish I had a better understanding of art history so I knew the difference between medieval and gothic architecture. Instead I just ended up calling everything a flying buttress and snickering silently in a corner.

BONUS.

Cliffs of Moher

I’ll admit it. My first thought was – I wonder how many people commit suicide here, HERPDEPRWHAT? After a stern scowl from the Husband I decided to NOT ask the question. It was difficult and later that night Wikipedia helped me out with the answer. (4 suicides in 2008)

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But I digress…yay, prettiness!

DAMN YOU, WIND

DAMN YOU, WIND

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The bus ride to the cliffs did not bode well.

The bus ride to the cliffs did not bode well.

Corcomroe Abbey

Give me a graveyard and I am a happy girl.

I could seriously make out with our tour bus driver for stopping at this Abbey. This 13th-century Cistercian monastery is the oldest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. It was beautiful. We stopped as dusk was falling and it was complete with that old eerie feeling.

Probably one of my majorly favorite parts of the trip.

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The Signs

I fucking love street art.

As mentioned in last year’s San Diego blog post, I’m a sucker for signs. I see something on the street corner (no, not that call girl) and I’ll snap a shot. This usually ends with my husband being five blocks ahead of me as I mutter to myself and frantically hurry to catch up with him…

I always take a camera to the bathroom for pics like this:

Spiral flavored?

Spiral flavored?

GOOD GOD YES

TOO MUCH PUNNY

TOO MUCH PUNNY

Even in Ireland I couldn’t escape the Kardashian’s

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Reminded me of one of Cinderella’s stepsisters

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Pretty Ballerina

Bansky?

Bansky?

Making me proud, Ireland

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Book depot on the street,

Book depot on the street.

This toilet was mine

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The name of this drink deserves a medal

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CANNOT. STOP. LAUGHING.

TRAPPED WIND.

TRAPPED WIND.

I hope you enjoyed me shoving Dublin down your throat. Believe me, that is not a euphemism…as much as I’d like it to be.

Coming up next week…The people, friends, and sweatpants of Ireland.

No Comments
  • Reply

    kathydfish

    January 7, 2013 at 12:36 am

    Love this! We’re thinking of going to Ireland in, oh, a year or so? Also, I share your love of cemeteries.

    • Reply

      julesjustwrite

      January 7, 2013 at 3:28 am

      Thanks Kathy! You MUST go. More recs to come. :)

  • Reply

    Tammie

    January 7, 2013 at 12:51 am

    Need a Love button. Thanx for the adventure again through your eyes. I feel like I was right beside you only less exhausted.

  • Reply

    megtuite

    January 7, 2013 at 1:46 am

    I wish someone could pay for you to travel around the world, Jules! LOVe, LOVE, LOVe this blog, as I do all of yours! “Trapped Wind,” was my favorite part.

    • Reply

      julesjustwrite

      January 7, 2013 at 3:27 am

      I wish that too, Meg! hah. Let’s start a petition. Thanks for the read!

  • Reply

    The Mind of RD Revilo

    January 7, 2013 at 2:10 am

    Reblogged this on RD Revilo.

  • Reply

    Marcus Speh (Birkenkrahe)

    January 7, 2013 at 7:02 am

    Great post, Jules. Love the pouty face. There’s nothing like reading a “first times overseas” account especially from someone as alert as you. Did I see this right: was your hubby wearing a cowboy hat? You made me want to see Dublin again. Thank God there’s Joyce for easy literary tripping…

  • Reply

    Harley May

    January 7, 2013 at 10:05 am

    Oh. Oh. Yay! This post is hilarious and amazing and I FEEL LIKE I’M TRAVELING THERE WITH YOU. Congrats on getting your passport stamped, good and dirty and Ireland style. Besos!

    HM

  • Reply

    downanddirtydesign

    January 7, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    Sounds like you had a blast! I am so jealous.
    I just have one question: is Rutger Hauer the evil vampire from the original Buffy movie?!!!
    Yes, that was my ONE question.

  • Reply

    susan tepper

    January 7, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    Jules, you should be doing a show like Chelsea Lately, you would wipe her off the networks!!! Loved this, one of your best yet!!!

  • Reply

    Kent Rogne

    January 8, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    Nothing like a trip to Europe to see how far back in the Stone Age the Continent lives. Catholic Mysticism is particularily savage, and bizarre. I viewed the head of St. Catherine encased in bronze in a shrine in Siena. I later revered..;-) her headless body in Rome. Seems the Catholic heirarchy deemed it meet, and right to separate one from the other, in an attempt to give equal tourist attraction status to two cities. Stranger still, she died of stomach pains,..?? after surviving on the Host ONLY, for a great deal of time. Just the BODY, no BLOOD,…and apparently no consecrated water was drunk, splashed, or PASSED! ;-)!

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