An Inappropriate Christmas Eve Poem

This Christmas, I am not going back to Montana. I am a sad panda but I shall rally through. And in the spirit of the season, I got the hankering idea for an inappropriate Christmas Eve poem.

Now every Christmas Eve, my sister and my cousin, and my entire family gather at my grandma’s for family togetherness and gift-giving (and getting). In case you need evidence of our dysfunction, here are a few photos to prove my case:

xmas 2010 155 Xmas Eve 015 XmasEve&Day-J 022PRINT

Inspired by me, written 99.7%-effectively by the Cousin, this poem fills me with more joy than any cheesy Christmas story ever could.

An Inappropriate Christmas Eve Poem

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when at Grandma’s abode
Family gathered ‘round, while outside it snowed.
The presents were piled by the tree with haste,
While the cousins attempted to get quickly shit-faced.

The family was bundled so snug in a van,
As we drove to Golden Phoenix for Moo Goo Gai Pan;
And Grandma in her Sorels, and I in goose down,
Held tight to our seats as we slid madly through town.

After mouths were filled with white rice and fried prawns,
We guzzled down sake and munched on wontons.
When dinner had ended, ‘twas time to head back
To Grandma’s for presents and a Christmas Eve snack.

Girl cousins in the kitchen, creating a Montana Banana surprise,
That erotic dessert, perfect for oogling, luring eyes.
Tonight, poured wine and slurred speech is the norm
The roundness of father’s belly looking like something waiting to be born.

The fire displayed on the big ass flat screen
Gave an illusion of warmth to our holiday scene.
When suddenly Grandma stood up and announced,
“Rip open your gifts!” so of course we all pounced.

With a pocket knife handy, so frenzied and quick,
We sliced through red ribbons with a pull and a flick.
More wild than dogs we guarded our lot,
And we whooped, and hollered, and called out what we got;

“My Sega! My Skip-It! My game of Mouse Trap!”
“A Barbie! A Furbie! A bracelet you slap!”
“To the top of the stairs! I must know the answer
To how high she’ll fly, my brand new Sky Dancer!”

My bear of an uncle sat firm in his seat,
As he sipped on Drambuie, that warm winter treat.
He was in good spirits, full of holiday cheer,
But it’s probable he was just too full of beer.

Mom busy at work, cutting into the pies,
Serving apple and pumpkin, her Christmas standbys.
She brewed up some coffee, Santa mug in her hands,
And spiked it with Bailey’s, as the season demands.

We were tired and weary, a sure sugar crash,
Dad fell asleep on the couch like white trash;
When it’s time to leave, we do as we’re told,
Say “thank you” and venture out into the cold.

We’re driving home now, through swift-falling snow,
Gazing out at the tackiest yuletide light show.
Ears turn to “White Christmas,” Bing’s signature croon,
The radio hums this sappy holiday tune.

The DJ sounds glum, his evening so gray,
It’s clear he’s receiving no holiday pay.
But I heard him exclaim, a man so full of spite,
“Merry Christmas, you jerks! Have a godawful night!”

No Comments
  • Reply


    December 24, 2012 at 5:40 am

    Amazing. Your not even here and we are still laughing. Thanx for the fun. The poem was awesome.

    • Reply


      December 24, 2012 at 4:37 pm

      ha, I can still make you laugh in spirit! glad you liked!

  • Reply


    December 24, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    So good. Merry Xmas Jules!

  • Reply

    susan tepper

    January 7, 2013 at 10:12 pm

    I missed this xmas poem but got my laugh now two weeks late! loved this, it is so YOU, Jules–

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