I’ll Poop in Your Bed and then I’ll Laugh About It

Once upon a time a man told a fair maiden, “Young lass, girls don’t poop.”

And she replied, “Nay sir. For you are incorrect because I can shit the bed as well as any man.”

Or something like that.

Or something like that.


And so one of my blog posts has finally come down to this. It was only a matter of time.


If you follow my blog, or follow me on twitter, and you’re here because of that I know you’ll appreciate this. Maybe you’ll laugh or shake your head in disgust while tittering a bit. But if you randomly stumbled upon this post and have no idea who the hell I am or what that bright light is for at the end of the tunnel, then may god have mercy on your soul.

I got the idea for this blog a while ago and it was rekindled when just this Saturday night I had a 30 minute conversation with my little sister about poop.

Last week at work, I tried to type LEMON TART but ended up with LEMON TURD and spent about 20 seconds giggling, hand cupped around mouth.

I bought a Christmas present for someone that involves the word “Fart”.


you know who you are.

you know who you are.


Nothing makes me laugh more than poop or fart jokes. I’m not ashamed of that. I’ll never grow up. Granted, it’s not some people’s favorite subject and I can be completely acceptable of that fact. I’d never force poop on you.

It's just cake. I swear to god.

It’s just cake. I swear to god.

It’s fun. I laugh a lot.

I chalk my bowel-movement fascination up to the fact that according to my mother I was born with shit in my mouth. And not because I’m a smooth talker either. Because I was literally born with a face full of shit. I guess I choked on it or something, which is how I explain my Freudian style obsession.

Now I don’t have a poop fetish…scatalogists beware…nor do I take massive dumps in front of my husband. I’m private about that.  I just like poop jokes. Fart jokes. I’m inappropriate at a 5th grade level.

When I die my tombstone will read: “She Ate. She Pooped. She Slept.”

Here are three reasons how turd jokes factor into my everyday life:


1. Relates to my Writing Style

In an indirect way, because I laugh at poop jokes, I have a very juvenile sense of humor. This can show in my writing. In case you couldn’t tell I devoted an entire BLOG to this subject.

And I have no problem with that.

In fact, last week, after my husband finished my very rough draft of my novel his first comments were, “Well. You need to cut back on the toilet humor some.”

This made me feel pride. I fist pumped for seriously like ten minutes.


Kinda like this.

Kinda like this.


2. Throws Me a into a Feminist Rager

Lately, I’ve been dwelling on a little issue. I think the bone I have to pick (not THAT type of bone, sorry) is that men, some men (mostly men in real life), don’t get this.

Really. I had a man once tell me, “Girls don’t poop.”


Okay. I get it. No one wants their faces rubbed in other people’s shit. Pun intended. But he was serious. There are a lot of men out there that have a case of the denials.

Oh really, Sir? Well tomorrow night I’m coming to your house and shitting in your bed because GIRLS DO POOP. NEENER NEENER.

This insults me. Never mind equal pay, I want to be able to take equal shits too and be acknowledged for it. It may be a thin excuse to equate this to a feminist issue but I think there’s something to it. We are human. To these men, those in deep shit denial, we’re supposed to be fresh faced and done up, but not LOOK done up… we’re supposed to keep our bowel movements a secret and our real face under makeup.

Don’t come in the delivery room either because god knows that kid just magically appears.


3. You Know Who Your Friends Are

You know you have a keeper when you make a poop or a fart joke and that friend either a) doesn’t flinch b) joins in c) takes it farther than you ever would.

It’s a rare person you can bare your soul to like that. In San Francisco, with my cousin and my sister you heard these types of comments:

“First one to crap the bed is outta here.”

“I think I got poop in my eye.”

“Oh, go eat a turd.”


Only one of those statements is a lie.

At my current – and soon to be previous job – I remember being wonderfully delighted when a female companion came back from the bathroom and announced, “Man, my stomach is a rumblin’.” Announce it baby. That’s right, just get it out of you.

I gave her a thumbs up. Right then and there.


In case you couldn't tell, my thumb is gigantic.

In case you couldn’t tell, my thumb is gigantic.


And I’m moving on soon. I go to a new job in January. And it’s daunting. It’s scary. Because though I am glad to leave, I leave behind people who actually get my freakshow humor. That’s what I’m really worried about. That no one will appreciate my turd jokes.

In my drawer at work, this is what you will find: Tape. Check. Rubber bands. Check. A fake turd. Check.

At my new job, I’m going to have to win over (or alienate) a whole new group of people.

And I have no problem with that.


So this is what this blog post comes down to. 900 words on turds.

Tell your friends, people.




No Comments
  • Reply

    Gill Hoffs

    December 9, 2012 at 11:31 pm

    Come live with me and my wee boy – fart jokes a plenty!

    • Reply


      December 11, 2012 at 3:10 am

      thanks for the invite. i’m sure i can contribute in some way.

  • Reply

    Marsha Stewart

    December 10, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    Wondering…as your mother, should I feel honored that I’m mentioned in the same sentence as poop?

    • Reply


      December 11, 2012 at 3:11 am

      WHAT? Do you see how lovingly I speak of turds? I LOVE YOU.

  • Reply


    December 10, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Coming from a woman, this post gives me hope in the world. You would have loved growing up with with a dad who was a plumber (as in my pop)… I don’t know how many times I heard him quote the unofficial plumber’s motto, “Your shit is our bread and butter.” And if there was a turd that wouldn’t go down the toilet, it was forever known as a “brown growler.” Oh, man… just talking about this… I gots to do-do! C-ya.

    • Reply


      December 11, 2012 at 3:11 am

      “Brown growler” made me cry in hilarity. YES YES. It’ll be my new phrase.

  • Reply

    David Wesley Vaughan

    December 10, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    Not sure if this has something to doo with the Mayan time-line or what butt just yesterday, I began work on my latest project … recreating classic monster movie posters with my own twist and the first one that floated to the surface was a title I call, “The THING that wouldn’t FLUSH! Absolutely love your blog. How reflushing to hear a woman who actually admits to it … see, some women use the denial to their advantage … I’ve dated plenty whom you can’t take on a long road trip without them blaming everyone including the passing coyote, thirty miles from the last Taco John’s that, “It wasn’t me.”

    • Reply


      December 11, 2012 at 3:13 am

      Oh, the puns in this. How I laughed. My husband probably thinks I admit to it way too much but hey, honesty is the best policy. haha.

  • Reply


    December 10, 2012 at 10:40 pm

    One of your most brilliant posts by far! And I agree-I absolutely hate when men say “girls/women do not poop.” Really? I once knew someone (a girlfriend’s fiance) who TRULY believed this. It is so unnerving; I think every man who says this should get a box of shit delivered to his doorstep…by a woman! Hilarious, none-the-less. And I will never get too old to share poop jokes or stories with you. It is the glue that binds us together. Forever.

    • Reply


      December 11, 2012 at 3:12 am

      Thank you sister. Yes, we shall forever remain linked by turds. haha. Thank god that you get me so well.

      • Reply


        December 11, 2012 at 4:47 am

        PS- I love how your tags include poop and fart. I have truly never seen that before.

  • Reply

    Harley May

    December 11, 2012 at 1:03 am

    I love this and your irreverent sense of humor. Not many “get” it. I enjoy it much.

  • Reply


    December 12, 2012 at 4:07 am

    You are my hero! I fart and poop in honor of all women who somehow came into this world without that orifice! xo Meg

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