50 Shades of WTF

Lately I’ve been accosted by numerous co-workers trying to entice me into reading the latest crazy “50 Shades of Grey”. They look at me with glazed eyes, talking about some person named Christian as I slowly back away. And no. No, I will not read this book. I will never ever read this book. I will scream this from the rooftops and punch the next person who asks me that in the teeth. I would rather watch a unicorn hump a dolphin.

You haven’t taken a pounding until you take one from a Unicorn.

I have nothing against those who read this book. I don’t wish you ill will but leave me out of it. Taking any rants out of my argument about how it demeans women, it’s still not for me. “But how do you KNOW?” those have wailed at my feet with regards to “50 Shades of Grey”, “How do you really know unless you read?”

Don’t mind me I just read “50 Shades of Grey”.

Oh. Believe me. I know.

1. It’s a fad

I am behind the game, mostly in terms of life and I don’t mind that. I’m the girl who just now discovered the 2012 Pantone color is Tangerine Tango and had no idea what to do with this information as the Sephora sales clerk painted my lips clownish orange.

Getting sucked into a fad pains me. Hard. And I’m not claiming to be a hipster; I’ve just never been with it in terms of pop culture or coolness or fashion sense.

Oh, you mean the camo look isn’t in anymore?

Plus, I really hate getting in on something that everyone is ga-ga for. I don’t like talking to people on a normal basis, what makes you think I want to discuss The Big Bang Theory with you at the water cooler?

I WANT TO BE UNCOMFORTABLY DIFFERENT, DAMN IT.

I just now am reading “Hunger Games”. It took me years to get to “Harry Potter”. I’ll admit, I did read “Twilight”. Hell, sometimes you need a good escape but this is one fad I can’t get into because…

2. Bad writing

I’m not claiming to be a literary scholar. Typically I’m not a snobby reader. Hell, I read the Sweet Valley Confidential and it curled my fucking toes, people. That Francine Pascal is a goddamn goddess. But I read it because it was pure nostalgia. I didn’t read it with a straight face but I liked it.

But this. This.

Twilight was horribly written. Yes, good plot, entertaining as hell, but poorly written. And still do you know how many times people have said to me, a scoff on their face, “But I don’t read “50 Shades” for the romance…”

So, horribly aghast, I ask – THEN WHY? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD…

Why, if not for the romance, then why waste the time? Clearly, it’s not for the prize-winning writing. This book doesn’t have anything else going for it other than kinky sex and glorifying some controlling man who treats his woman like a piece of meat (Ditto to Edward in Twilight). This book was not written for merit and that’s fine, but own that.  Just read it, get hot and bothered while the kids watch TV and have your fun. That’s not wrong. You’re entitled to that; I’d rather read “Justine” by the Marquis de Sade and get a little culture going alongside side my sadistic nature.

Is-Is there even a contest?

Because if there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s…

3. The Romance

THIS is the real reason I will not read “50 Shades” and probably the most valid of them all.

Reading romance or sex scenes turns me into a 5-year-old. “Tee-hee a penis!” I’m not a prude. Sex scenes in movies, yes please. But reading any sort of hot and heavy, fanciful, flowery scenes make me cringe and giggle and blush.

I just don’t dig the genre.

I get all my sex tips from the cat.

Seriously, just reading the excerpts from Jezebel make me want to strangle myself with the cords from my window blinds.  Strangle in the non-kinky way, mind you.

“We will fuck you up hard. And by that we mean we will tangle together until you become really, really pissed off.”

To quote “50 Shades…” “Argh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity.”

Can I – Can I just unread this? Please? This does not turn me on. I’m not the romantic or BDSM or whatever else they’re calling this these days. Look people, I’m the girl who canceled the anniversary gift I got from my husband – a couples massage—because it creeped her out.

I’m the girl who when my husband tells me he ran me a bath I suspiciously ask why.

I’m the girl who skips the romantic scenes in books only to wonder why the main female character is now pregnant five pages later.

How other people approach romance.

I can’t do romance. Maybe I have MaxDuplication  issues. In any case, I’ll save the money and let the TV show American Horror Story diagnose my sorry ass.

I guess, what I’m trying to say is that in the end, I just can’t stomach romance and bad writing when it comes to this book. In less elegant words, I’d rather look at a t-shirt of these pigs fucking.

 

You’re welcome.

No Comments
  • Reply

    Berit

    September 9, 2012 at 10:59 pm

    😀 You are so right!

    And that image of the unicorn humping a dolphin, wow! 😀

  • Reply

    Ali Trotta

    September 9, 2012 at 11:02 pm

    I just laughed so hard that I honestly choked on my water. I love you. I love this. Don’t ever change. EVER. Also, please tell you own that pig shirt.

    • Reply

      julesjustwrite

      September 11, 2012 at 2:49 am

      My dad owns the pig shirt. One day it shall be mine.

  • Reply

    amylcarter

    September 9, 2012 at 11:20 pm

    I’ll admit, I loved the 50 Shades trilogy, yet somehow I absolutely loved this post. Someone who can criticise something based on it not being their taste is so much more entertaining to read than someone who criticises thinking their opinion is the only one that matters and anyone who disagrees is wrong and therefore flawed. You’re brilliant

    • Reply

      julesjustwrite

      September 11, 2012 at 2:43 am

      thank you so much! I really, really appreciate. And that’s what I def set out to do. State my point. No fighting, kids.

  • Reply

    Michael Gillan Maxwell

    September 10, 2012 at 12:06 am

    Highly amusing Jules ~ helps ease the pain of seeing the Packers lose to San Francisco at Lambeau Field (oh the ignominy of it all!) Although I will still require heavy medication to get me thru this dark night of the soul. Safe to say, 50 Shades of Grey will not reviewed in the Alice B. Toklas Book Journal on Your Own Backyard anytime soon. Can you please have your cat call my cat? We need some new hot tips up here in God’s Country.

    • Reply

      julesjustwrite

      September 11, 2012 at 2:47 am

      Yes, do not taint poor Alice B. Toklas. Save her soul.

      • Reply

        Michael Gillan Maxwell

        September 12, 2012 at 2:28 am

        I went to pick up mail at my rural post office today and the post mistress (cue the sound of cracking whips and the visuals of postal dominatrix) and she was reading 50 Shades of WTF! Does this mean she’s a pod person and the zombie apocalypse is upon us?

  • Reply

    megftuite

    September 10, 2012 at 2:15 am

    You are a goddess, Jules! So LOVE this!!! Thank you for another great one!

    • Reply

      julesjustwrite

      September 11, 2012 at 2:48 am

      YOU are a rockstar. Thanks for all the blog love, Meg.

  • Reply

    Doreen (Fifty Shades Mad) Wright

    September 10, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Interesting slant on this very popular trilogy. I enjoyed reading it. This book had me intrigued from the very start. It’s a little bit different than what I’m usually into, but it’s such a deep and thought provoking book you can’t help but love it! I read it all in a day, and all 3 books in three days! I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to add a little spice to their book collection!

    • Reply

      julesjustwrite

      September 11, 2012 at 2:48 am

      Thank you for reading! We’re def not on the same page but I like the other POV. ; )

  • Reply

    downanddirtydesign

    September 12, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    Sister, you are severely hilarious. I am laughing out load at work right now! BTW…I don’t know if dad still has that shirt! I thought you took it?! Remind me…and I will steal it from his closet for you. Oh shit, does he read this?!!

  • Reply

    susan tepper

    September 13, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    Jules that is the sexiest puddy-cat I ever done seen. You are so funny, you should be doing stand-up. Have I read that book? Hell no. My hairdresser told me about it and she said it is junk. She’s a smart woman in a lot of ways. I took her advice. Great posting and of course the photos…. signed by Susan Tepper (who wordpress has dissed into eternity with an avatar that won’t go away…)

  • Reply

    This Book Deserves a Face Palm. | Jules Just Write

    June 2, 2013 at 10:12 pm

    […] I expected it to be bad; but I didn’t expect it to be one of the worst books I’ve ever read. My only comfort is that I’ve never read “50 Shades of Grey”. And still won’t. […]

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