Rantiest Rant of All Rants: Free Birth Control
August 7, 2011
August 7, 2011
Allow me to introduce a new monthly Guest Blogger.
My cousin K, my partner in crime and freakshow of a best friend (and I mean this in the most loving way possible), continually delights me with her entertaining and relevant diatribes and rants. Bi-partisan, I can always count on her to be pretty fair in her opinions, usually echoing my own. She can hold a candle to Peter Griffin’s What Really Grinds My Gears—
– and since we have been talking about it for a while, and she won’t get her own damn blog, I’m letting her borrow mine for once a month to spout about issues of importance in only the way K can. With her mouth and my seconding her emotions with hearty belly laughs, I think we’ll be the best thing since the Keystone Kops.
Disclaimer: These are K’s opinions and aren’t meant to be taken as fact, incitement or offense. And like Courtney Love, just suck it up and take it, folks.
Ok, so right after I played the Colbert Report, Hannity came on Fox News to discuss birth control. …we watched; to truly see both sides of the controversy. I am incredibly happy to say that not only did Hannity not make one valid point against free birth control, but he also helped prove many of the points our side is making. Sadly, I got the feeling that all of his fans or casual viewers of Fox News were probably roped in by his insistent and argumentative nature…
That said, here are my thoughts on the Hannity clip…
1. The poll Hannity shows says 46% of Americans don’t approve free birth control, yet Jezebel has a poll that says 77% of Americans DO support it. That’s quite a difference, don’t ya think?
2. Hannity LIES straight out when he points out that insurance companies with religious ties will have to provide birth control, when it’s against their religious values… Um, do you think he even glanced over the bill? Pretty sure there’s a stipulation that makes religious non-profits exempt from this rule. Maybe he should do his research before getting so worked up about a law he obviously knows very little about.
3. Kimberly looks like a slut. She doesn’t need free birth control because she probably always takes it on her knees. (Oh, snap!)
4. When Hannity asks the black lady (Jimou?) why insurance companies should pay for bc, and she opens with a statistic from scientists, Hannity jumps down her throat with, “I don’t care about scientists!!!” So I am just gonna assume he’s going to ignore every scientific statistic throughout this segment then. Oh, yep, he is. Ok then.
5. Jimou: “If you are against abortion, you should be celebrating this decision.” You go girl!!! Woo!
6. Hannity doesn’t want taxpayers to pay for bc because (news flash) the country’s already in debt, yet he glazes over the fact that unintended pregnancies cost $11 billion a year, and that 1 unwanted child can cost taxpayers nearly $200,000 by the time it turns 18. Glad he’s not my accountant.
7. Hannity: “It’s not about women’s health, it’s about birth control!!!” (slow clap) Bravo, Mr. Hannity. You should have been a physician.
8. Hannity’s happily married 18 years, so he doesn’t understand why we need to pay for birth control for those slutty, slutty harlots. Um, do you HAVE 20 children Hannity? No? Then you’re either not having sex in your cold, loveless marriage (definite possibility) or your wife is using some sort of birth control. SHOCKING.
9. Kimberly says birth control actually increases the number of STDs… Um, can I get a statistic or some proof to back that up? No? That would be un-Republican to offer any scientific evidence to support your cause? Ok then. Carry on with your lies.
10. Kimberly: “Why should we have to pay for an individual’s decision to have sex and to use birth control?” Why, Kimberly? Did it ever occur to you that women take birth control for other reasons beyond avoiding pregnancy? Endometriosis, cramps, ovarian cysts… All relevant medical problems helped by bc. And yes, as she says, abstinence prevents pregnancy. But even I know that schools who only teach abstinence have a higher rate of unwanted teen pregnancies. That’s a pretty well-known fact. Obviously preaching about abstinence doesn’t stop people from having sex.
11. Haha! I love when Jimou went off with a million statistics and Hannity interrupted her with “You’re off track!!!” I think she’s actually right on track towards proving you wrong, Hannity. Haha.
12. It makes me sick to think that insurance covers the costs for boner pills, yet the men using them aren’t called sluts. Double standards, I say!
13. WORST THING EVER: Fucking Kimberly says, “Alcohol, drug abuse… That’s what contributes to unwanted pregnancies.” WHAT. THE. FUCK. Watching this last night, I leapt off the couch when she said this. PLEASE WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE STATISTICS??!! I would LOVE to see the study that proved this.
14. Kimberly says the thing that she finds particularly offensive is that, “This [bill] is saying that poor people can’t make good decisions about how to protect themselves sexually.” Again, WHAT??? The bill says the EXACT opposite!!! Poor people want to make good choices in protecting themselves, but not all of them can afford reliable birth control. THAT’S THE POINT OF THIS BILL! You dumb bitch.
15. Haha, what was Hannity trying to say when Jimou asked, “Why should we pay for a man’s Viagra?” Something about, “But that’s actually a medical problem versus a choice to have sex!” Really? Pretty sure men wouldn’t need boner pills if they just made the decision to not have sex! Why should taxpayers pay for old men to get some ass? Those slutty slutty men should be ashamed of their blatant sexuality. Also, why do I get the feeling Hannity uses boner pills? He’s awfully defensive about this.
16. Hannity: “If you can’t afford gas in your car, it may not be the right time to start a family!” Exactly why birth control should be free. Duh. Thanks for proving the other side’s point, you idiot.
17. Kimberly: “There aren’t any studies out there that say this decreases the amount of abortions.” Wow. Kimberly really can be stupider than she looks.