I just read an article about how reading an actual, physical book will turn you into a smarty-smarty pants. This makes me giddy as fuck. I’ve always been a big advocate for the printed word and now…science sides with paper, mofos. 

“Reading in print helps with comprehension,” the article states. Kindles and digital books and your laptop screen screw up your processing skills. Dig it? Going old-school analog with the paperbacks reduces stress, increases concentration & empathy, and improves sleep. So get down with your bad, book-lovin’ self. Nab 30-45 minutes and bust out a paperback. “BUT,” you whine, “I have no time.” “There’s always time,” I crow, tossing a plethora of suggestions on where you can pop a squat and break into a book. 

Don't be this girl.

Don’t be this girl.

  • While getting a pedicure
  • Waiting for the doctor
  • On the crapper
  • During dinner if you’re alone, bored or just rude
  • Waiting in line
  • While taking public transit
  • In the bathtub
  • While nursing
  • During your lunch break
  • In your car before a meeting/work
  • During really bad sex
  • At the pool
  • Passenger bound on a road trip

This means be prepared. Carry a book on you at all times. Sure, it’s more cumbersome than an e-reader, but there’s nothing like the feel of paper in your hand and the whiff of fluttery pages. Wait — or am I the only one who gets turned on by these things?


I hold no grudges against e-readers. And at least you’re reading. That’s better than 23% of American adults. I just like to give the good ol’ book it’s goddamn due. Hey, paper’s gonna take you through the zombie apocalypse; your e-reader’s battery will only last so long.

Because, science.

New Notes on a Newborn

Posted: August 2, 2015 in Uncategorized

Tomorrow I go back to work. After three long months, my maternity leave is exiting stage right and I rejoin the land of adult conversation and no longer smelling like baby spit up.

This is what happens when you try and dictate a blog post while breastfeeding.

This is what happens when you try and dictate a blog post while breastfeeding.

That said, it’s a bittersweet double edged catch 22 sword. Or something like that.

Wanting to go back, yes. Sad to leave my little squawker at day care, of course.

The last few months have flown by, as well as gone incredibly slow. Popping out a little one seems like it was just yesterday. However, sleeping on the couch with a newborn, being incredibly sleep deprived and ridiculously emotional seems like it’s been ages ago.

Dark ages ago, in fact.


Having a newborn is hard.

No shit, you think, scoffing as you read this. I see that eye roll.

But NO. NOOOOO. Having a newborn is really incredibly hard and I’ve no idea why people don’t scare the living shit out of you with this knowledge the instant you announce you’re with child.

Sure, people smile, say congratulations and things like, “oh, it’s tough but it will pass” or “having a baby is great but get ready for no sleep” or “it’s the most beautiful moment of your life.” People who sugarcoat — you guys are dicks.

I needed parents to sock it to me. To really say HOLY FUCK GET READY FOR A TERROR YOU’VE NEVER EXPERIENCED.

I had a fairy tale version of having a newborn. Sure, they cry. Big deal. Lack of sleep you say, done that. I envisioned lounging around on my bed in silk post-baby pajamas and binging on Netflix while the baby napped in the bassinet. It would coo and I would nurse her. Occasionally it would cry and I would comfort it. ALL WHILE WATCHING NETFLIX, DO YOU HEAR ME?

JESUS CHRIST NO. Nope. FUCK ME. Not even remotely close.

Now let’s just get this straight before I go further – I love my daughter. I want her with a hungry love. I’d collapse into a thousand pieces if anything happened to this little girl with the crooked smile. BUT I was not truly prepared for how hard caring for a newborn was. I was prepared for my home birth and for the care of my crotchal regions post-birth (stool softener, anyone?) but holy hell not prepared for the newborn phase.

I say all this not to complain but simply because I don’t think people talk about the emotional aftermath of having a newborn. I’m sure some parents are equipped, some can cloth diaper a newborn in the dark (Congratulations, fuckers), but most of us are left wide-eyed, slack-jawed and WTF’d when day four of having a new baby really kicks in. And I’m betting that most of us, inside, feel awful for admitting that maybe they are ill- prepared and occasionally asking themselves HOLY BALLS WHAT HAVE WE DONE?

Friends and family expect new parents to be happy, to say it’s a joy we’ve never experienced, when, in the first month can feel like anything but. You feel bad that you don’t feel as happy as you should. Or you don’t feel deserving of having this perfect baby-child when you feel like you have no idea what you’re doing.

I get it. Nobody wants to admit it’s hard. Especially me. Hell, I can’t even believe I’m writing this. Baring me soul, it don’t come easy. But I’ve thought about this a lot during my leave — that I never could have imagined how hard it was and how I wished someone would have been honest (Cluster feedings, constant crying, the trials of breastfeeding, never being able to sit down because baby wants to be rocked) so instead, I’m just trying to be honest about the aftermath.

Because if I had known I could have steeled myself for the worst and got rid of starry-eyed notions. I wouldn’t have felt guilty about feeling overwhelmed. Or felt sad for missing pre-baby life. But the one thing that has been true throughout this whole new baby thing is that when people tell you “it will pass and get better” is that it really does.

So…new parents, don’t feel bad. Old parents, spread the fucking word.

Aaand in case you were interested…my Maternity Leave Netflix Count:

  • Rectify
  • The One I Love
  • The Office
  • Grey’s Anatomy
  • Orange Is the New Black
  • Friday Night Lights
  • Crazy Love
  • Mankind
  • Chef’s Table
  • Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
  • Anthony Bourdain Parts Unknown

Here’s To Five Years a Writer

Posted: July 26, 2015 in Uncategorized

Today (July 26th) marks five years since I’ve been published.

Please note: my first rejection letter

Please note: my first rejection letter

Christopher Allen at Metazen gave me my big break and I can’t thank him, Frank Hinton and the now defunct (?) ‘zine enough. I finally had got that great shot letting me break into the “hey-look-ma-I’m-published” lit world.

My piece “10 Unofficial Jobs Jake Baker has Never Got Paid For” was published as an episodic story — two stories over five weeks. I still remember getting that YESWEWANTYOURSTORY email. Whether or not I was on the toilet when I read it shall not be discussed. Anyway…to someone who had been writing for so long and trying to get published, seeing that very first acceptance email was a tiny step to thinking, maybe, just maybe, I can do this. That little bit of hope and confidence to kick off my venture into writing.

Even though this was my first published story and my writing style has changed a shit ton (for better or worse or who cares?), I hold a very special, extra mushy place in my heart for this little ditty. I still like it, and even though it’s been five years, I don’t have to read it with fingers plastered over my eyes. It doesn’t suck. And since Metazen is no longer around and I couldn’t find this bad boy on any archives, I wanted to post it here in all its glory to be read if you so choose to.

Here’s to five years of being published, five years of considering myself an actual writer, and to many more years of perverting cyberspace with writer-ly words.


10 Unofficial Jobs Jake Baker has Never Got Paid For

  1. Sentry.

“If you’re gonna leave just do it already,” 15-year-old Jake tells his pa. He holds an arm out and his sister Sally runs to him, shielding her face against his side. Jake thinks it’s one of the most serious days in his life and he hates it.

“Oh, Jake, don’t say that,” his ma cries, watching her husband, Kevin, stuff his remaining few belongings in a shoddy suitcase. Not that their pa really needs the suitcase; he’s been coming and going for so long it doesn’t matter. The suitcase’s just for show. A final goodbye.

Kevin gives Jake a long look before turning to his wife. “I’ll call you.” Then he walks out the door, leaving his family to watch it slam.

“Now, why’d you have to go and say that?” ma asks, her face tired, arms propped against her side.“I didn’t make him leave,” Jake says. “And neither did you.”


  1. Travel Planner.

Despite his own messy home life, compared to his best friend Bobby, Jake’s family could be the subject of a Norman Rockwell painting. Jake listens to Bobby explain his recent black eye. Bobby’s leg bounces a mile a minute, his long fingers intertwined.

“So you ran into a door, Bobby?” Jake muses when Bobby’s out of excuses. “Don’t think I’ve heard that one before.”

Bobby sighs and Jake pats his leg.

“You can crash at my place. Only payment is eatin my ma’s cookin which is a sacrifice in and of its self.”

“That’s okay, Jake. I oughta go home anyways.”

“I hear Alaska’s nice this time of year.”

Bobby just smiles at Jake with those sad black eyes.


  1. Detective.

Jake ponders the back yard.

Brian watches him with an odd frown, puffing away on a smoke. “Easy Jake,” Brian says. “She’ll turn up.”

Brian, their older brother, home on leave, had shown up two bright and sunny days ago, tossing a duffel bag Jake’s way. Jake figures for someone with army skills he should be able to sniff out their little sister. But one look at Brian tells Jake he’s unconcerned.

Brian’s always unconcerned.

“Mom’s gonna kill me,” Jake says, cupping his hands. “Sally! Hide and Seek’s over.”

“Get your ass out here!” That’s Brian.

Bored, Sally had asked multiple friends and her brothers if they had wanted to play hide and seek. Apparently, many had nodded yes, none had meant it. She hid, no one searched. An hour later, Jake finally got wise.

Jake surveys the yard, wondering where his sister could have gone when the house next door catches his eye. The neighbor’s yard resembles a junk store: a busted truck on the front lawn, a stove, a refrigerator, a banana seat bicycle—

Jake squints at the refrigerator and then takes off for the yard. He doesn’t know why but something tells him Sally’s crawled inside. Brian follows, striding languidly, and Jake rips the door open. Sally tumbles out, her cheeks flushed.

“Hell! I’m a regular Sherlock Holmes,” Jake crows, pulling Sally to her feet.

“You found me!” Sally croaks with happiness, oblivious to her predicament.

Brian waltzes up. “Sal,” he says. “Before you go crawling into tight spaces, make sure you can get out.”


  1. Nurse Maid.

“So how’d you earn this?” Jake asks, sitting on the bed across from Brian. He scrutinizes his brother’s busted face.

“Goddamn, Maggie.” Brian takes the ice pack Jake hands him. “You got any aspirin, man?”

Jake heads to the bathroom. Hunting around, he finds a bottle of aspirin in the medicine cabinet next to two condoms that aren’t his. He doesn’t want to know who they belong to because they’re sure not his.

Shaking off the thought, he pours four into Brian’s hand. “You call her fat again, Brian?”

Brian smirks from behind his black eye. He’s been home six months Jake doesn’t think he’s going away any time soon. “She asked if I wanted to get married one day.”

Jake groans, knowing the rest of the story isn’t going to end happily.

“So, I told her, sure, one day I’d want to get married and that whenever she got married, I’d be honored to get an invite.”

Jake laughs. “Brian, you’re going to hell.”

“Jake, that crazy broad wants to get married, to me.”

“Yeah, believe me, she could do better.”

“Jesus Christ.” Brian hangs his head. “I ain’t ready for this bullshit.” He dry swallows the aspirin and stretches out across the bed.

Jake tosses Brian a blanket. “At least she’s blonde.”

Brian smiles. “Not really.”


  1. Lawyer.

Jake’s never really found the need for a job before. Nothing’s interested him enough to keep his attention. Not to mention the fact that after four tiresome years he’s finally done with high school and he’d be a fool not to relish his freedom while he has it. His mom provides and Jake’s content letting her. Even Brian, who seemed bound and determined to slack the majority of his life, went and got militarized. And it wouldn’t be the first time he’s shown Jake up.

But now seeing her, Jake figures he needs a job.

Or at least a good cover story.

Jake scoots into the diner, swiping an unattended briefcase resting next to a pair of suits at the counter. It’s heavy in his hands as he makes his way over to her booth. She’s hunkered down in the seat, drawing on a napkin and smoking. Jake rests the edge of the briefcase on the sticky tabletop causing her to glance up in surprise.

“I’m a lawyer,” is his opening line and he commends himself for his originality.

Flipping the doodled napkin over, the girl arches a brow. “Really? By the looks of your clothes I’d say you belonged in the gutter.”

Jake clutches his chest. “You really cut me to the core, sweetheart, you know that?”

“I think you handle that all on your own.” She smirks, ashing her cigarette. “So, what do you practice?”

“Animal law.”

“I don’t really want to know what that means.” The girl wipes her lanky hair out of her face, staring at him. She’s cute, with big blue eyes, and if Jake squints just right she could be blonde, so he figures he’ll give her a chance.

“Yep, at the firm of Whogivesashit.”

She laughs and extends a hand. “I’m Kathy.”

“The name’s Baron Chesterfield the fifth.”


  1. Bouncer.

“Ma. Was it him?”

His ma laughs, an angry sad sound. She pulls out a sauce pan and dumps a few cans of chicken noodle soup in it. Sighing, she faces her son. “Yes, Jake. And I know he said it wouldn’t happen again and stupid me, I believed him.”

Reaching out, she hugs her son. “But no more. I know now. Kicked him to the curb.”

Jake eyes her split lip. “Where does he live?” She hesitates and Jake raises his voice. “Ma, tell me.”

Resigned, she gives him the address. “Don’t get into trouble, Jake. I ain’t got bail money for you.”


  1. Interviewer.

“Where are you going?”

“To a movie.”

“Appropriate content?”

“I—I think so. Something with singing…dancing…”

“There’re no clowns in it, correct?”

“Clowns? I don’t—”

“Jake!” his sister snaps, running down the hall. “Leave him alone.” Sally links her arm through a guy who looks suspiciously too much like James Dean for Jake’s taste.

Jake smirks. “Hell, it’s your very first date, Sally. Thought I’d pass along some ol’ Jake Baker wisdom. Now just where is my camera?”

“You can keep your wisdom to yourself, jackass.” Now it’s Sally’s time to smirk. “Besides, it may be my first date, but it ain’t my first time.”

Both Jake and Sally’s date blink.


8. Designated Driver.

How he got roped into this he doesn’t know. But suddenly Jake’s the responsible one, driving Brian around town after a night of bar hopping. Fresh from his most recent break-up with Maggie, Brian’s crowing in the backseat about how glad he is to be rid of her and Jake’s wishing he would have left him at Bar #2.

“There are two things you don’t get sentimental about in life when it gets old and you give it away,” Brian slurs. “A car and a woman.”

“Hell,” Jake reminds him. “You’re going to hell.”

Brian tries to light a cigarette and can’t focus. “I miss her man. She was so nice.”

“I know you do, buddy. Now shut the hell up.”


  1. Architect

Kathy sips her coffee as Jake stutters, “S-So I was thinking…that maybe we could…get a place.”

Always cool (which is why Jake loves her), Kathy raises that perfect eyebrow. “As in together?”

“You know that’s what I mean. Jesus, Kath, break my balls.” Jake’s never done this sort of serious planning before and she’s not making it easy.

“It’s always fun watching you sweat.” Kathy smiles, lips closed, for fear of showing the one crooked tooth she hates. “But,” she continues. “I think we should do it. I’d really like someone to share the rent with.”

Kathy laughs, seeing Jake’s mortified face. She reaches over to squeeze his arm. “I’m kidding! You know I’m your girl.”

Jake begins to breathe easier. He loops his thumbs through his belt loops like John Wayne. “You got that right, little lady…” Then Kathy brushes her hair away from her face and Jake realizes something he’s been in denial about for a couple of years. She’s not blonde and Jake couldn’t care less.


  1. Student.

Jake flips the burger and watches it sail into the air. Like a pro, he catches it with his spatula, slapping the burger right back onto the grill. The BBQ looks a little dull so he figures he’ll liven it up with some news.

“I’m going back to school,” Jake announces, expecting gasps.

Instead, a snort comes from left field. “You’re lying. You’ve never had a real job in your life,” Brian says, walking up with Maggie.

Maggie dangles a big sparkly thing from her left hand and Jake face palms. “Aw, say it ain’t so, Brian!”

Brian laughs as Maggie curses Jake out. “What’re you doin to me, Brian?” Jake hisses, glancing over his shoulder at Kathy who’s talking with their ma. “Now Kathy’s gonna want one.” Brian shrugs his shoulders in a not-my-problem type of way.

“It’ll make you hon-est,” Maggie sing-songs.

Jake cocks a brow. “Apparently so. Brian tells me you’re not a real blonde.”

As Maggie turns her wrath to Brian, Jake darts out of the way, joining his sister on the front porch. Sally’s smoking and reading a book. “I believe you, Jake,” Sally says without looking up.

“Thanks, Sal.”

“What’re you goin back for?”

“Make some real money; get Kathy a bigger ring than Maggie.”

Grinning, Sally shakes her head. “No, what major, dummy?”

“Just trade school. Learn something useful. Maybe how to fix broken wires or something.”

“You mean…like an electrician?”

Jake finger guns Sally. “You see, that’s why I need you around. You give me all these bright ideas.” He wraps an arm around his sister. “An electrician it is.”

So I went and read a book.

First of all, this calls for a brag.

I managed to read a whole, entire book AFTER my baby was born. And in less than a month’s time.

I am pleased with this.

One thing I didn’t want to lose after having a baby was being able to just pick up a book and read. And yes, it isn’t easy, but it can be done. I read while breastfeeding, in doctor’s offices, while baby napped (screw laundry!). It wasn’t easy, the effort had to be made, but it can be done, people. Just another little baby step to feeling like me pre-baby, albeit with a little multi-tasking thrown in.

How writing is now done around this house.

How writing is now done around this house.

So now let’s talk about this book I enjoyed. Lindsay Hunter’s Ugly Girls. Released last November, I’m just now getting to this book on my shelf, but I whipped through this sonofabitch in about three weeks time. I’m a sucker for a good character-driven story and this one is it.


Now I’m not so skilled at book reviews, but I truly loved this book and want to spread the word. I recently finished Station Eleven and while it was decent, I found Ugly Girls to be so much better and had to brag on it a bit.

Bear with me. I’ll give you a brief gist as best as I can do without blowing the plot.

The story focuses on Baby Girl and Perry, two strange best friends who steal cars, ditch school and end up in jail cells. Baby Girl and Perry are being trolled on social media by a creeper named Jamey who’s pretending he’s a high school student looking for a friend. When what he’s looking for is so much darker.

There. I think that’s sufficient?

This seemingly-simple, yet riveting plot, is paired with brief flash fiction-style chapters that switch between five different POVs throughout the story. Hunter weaves an interesting tale and amazingly colorful characters. They’re all hard to look at, have their personal flaws (and then some) but you become pulled in and eat up their individual stories. I enjoy characters who aren’t perfect and I fell hard and fast for the lot in Ugly Girls.

If you need a good read, snag Lindsay Hunter’s Ugly Girls. This book makes you feel ugly in the prettiest way. And as a reader, that’s a very good thing.

So many thanks to Sheldon Lee Compton for publishing my short story, “Savage Milk” at Revolution John Magazine. Go give it a read here and check out the magazine.

‘Cause you’re cool like that, right?


Project Writer vs. Mama

Posted: June 28, 2015 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

I’ve sat and stared at a blank word document for about 10 minutes. Wondering what to write for a blog. Thinking, “what did I used to write about?” and pulling up archives. Life, travel, books and fiction are among the majority of posts. And it’s hard for me to conjure up a new post. Because life these days revolves around a newborn.

A drink for mama, a drink for baby...

A drink for mama, a drink for baby…

Breastfeeding, changing diapers and chasing sleep make up the majority of physical activity. Real riveting stuff. So what do I write about? That’s the question lingering in my mind, so I suppose there’s no better place to spill guts than this blog.

A conundrum that’s bothered me throughout pregnancy and for the last couple of months. Writer vs. Mommy. For so long that’s been my identity – a writer – and now I’m a mama and I’m just not sure if the twain should meet.  How to keep the writer side separate from the mama side. Or better yet, how to keep the writer side alive. Because I know once a woman has had a child, to many people her own self ceases to exist and she’s just a “mother.” Believe me, I’ve had this experience already while pregnant, so I can claim it to be true. And while yes, I am a mother and it is part of me, it’s not all of me.  I look at it as a challenge to not be put in that box. How I can incorporate my new experiences into my fiction and into my blog. How I can still make time to write and be a writer while being a mother. A shit ton of people do it, I’m not reinventing the wheel or anything, but as a newbie it’s daunting to think about. Stealing moments when you can, logging notes away for later, and biding time for that perfect sit-down-at-the-computer-moment.  It’s a new groove to find, but find it I will.

Obviously this space won’t become a mommy-blog with Pinterest bullshit factoids (Make a fur swaddle out of a skunk, mommies!) nor will every post be about my daughter. But I’m sure baby smatterings will find their way into my writing here and there.

Like – did you know the thing that has most made me feel like a mom is picking boogers out of my newborn’s nose?

Like – did you know watching a 90 minute movie takes six hours when you have a newborn?

Like – did you know I sure am glad this baby is out of me because my wine hand has been empty for far too long?



Stuff like that.

A good groove, don’tcha think?

Pleased to say I have a new fiction piece up at the uber-awesome Wyvern Lit. They publish flash fiction, fiction and poetry and have a knack for picking damn good stories that hook you right away. Every piece I’ve read there has had me seriously impressed.

If you have five minutes, please go give “Runs in the Skin” a read. The story was inspired by Morgellons disease a strange condition I once read about and ever since I’ve been fascinated with for a long time, for some odd reason (DON’T JUDGE ME, OK?).


She used to think she shit glitter and now she’s home.

There’s something in my skin, Jess says, digging in with a safety pin. She scrapes the outside of her ivory arm; head bowed in earnest contemplation as flesh rips.

No, don’t, I say, taking the instrument away from her. Drop it in the sink, beads of red peeling down the drain.

What she sees has gotta be a mindfuck of epic proportions.

Take your meds, Jess. I shake the bottle.


Read the rest of it here and then run to go scrub yourself raw with a Brillo pad.

Special thanks to Founder/Editor-in-Chief Brent Rydin and the rest of the Wyvern Lit team for publishing my strange little story.